This is kind of a hard post to write. Not because it’s difficult for me to get out these thoughts, but because it takes a certain amount of bravery to post something that you’re pretty sure will make you sound like a pathetic loser. (Do I have everyone’s attention yet? I know everyone loves a good “I’m a loser” blog, right?)
The thing is, I don’t even mean to make it sound like I’m pathetic or that I cry myself to sleep at night or that I’m depressed and sad all the time. But the thing is: I struggle with loneliness.
I’m hoping there are lots of other girls out there who feel (or have felt)very similarly. But maybe not. Because see, the thing is, I have lots of friends. I don’t mean that in a show-offy, I-bet-I-have-more-friends-than-you sort of way, just that I’ve been blessed with having a lot of friends in a similar phase of life as me that I get along with really well and live close by. On any given day, there’s more than a handful of people I could call to schedule a play date with. I have friends I could call for shopping or coffee or if I’m having a bad day. I have girls nights and dinners and get out plenty.
Soooo why am I posting theft loneliness, then? If you have friends, you aren’t allowed to be lonely, right? That seems to be the general message that girls give and receive–your feelings can’t be validated if it looks like you’re popular, or if you’ve hung out with too many people recently. You just aren’t allowed to be lonely, because that’s only for girls who have zero friendships and lots of cats and no family. Then it’s ok. Otherwise, you shouldn’t talk about it.
I think this isn’t true though. (Or else it is true, and I’m about to get a bunch of negative comments.) See, my whole entire life, I have had a best friend. For my entire pre-college life, it was the same friend and we were inseparable. It wasn’t a question of IF we would hang out, it was how many nights we could convince our moms to let us spend together. Our friends knew that you didn’t save just one seat for us, you saved two, because we would always be together. Our names pretty much just ran together, and we lived our lives together. During school, after school, weekends, holidays–nothing off limits. When we weren’t together, we were probably talking on the phone. Then life happened and things happened and when we went to separate colleges and grew apart. Thankfully at that moment, I was blessed with the best college roomie E.V.E.R. And immediately, I had a best friend again. And again–we lived life together. We talked all the time, we didn’t have to make plans because we just assumed our plans were hanging out together. And we talked all the time and we shared all our stories and it was one of the best times in my life. She is, to this day, at the top of my list if you asked me to list out my friends. After college, I moved home and we were still best friends, and I also had another friend that I talked to AND worked with basically every single day. And she made me mixed tapes of music to make me cooler. It was true love.
But things happen and life happened again and we all have jobs and husbands and friends and churches and babies (or babies that are being grown :)) and of course things have to change. No one is at fault when these things happen, it’s just the stretching and growing that is life, but it’s still sad for me.
I guess I got used to having that best friend. Not the kind of friend you have to coordinate with for playdates through facebook after it had been 3 weeks, though those friends are wonderful blessings. Not the kind of friend you keep having to catch up on a months worth of information, even though that’s most of my friendships and I wouldn’t change them for the world. Not the kind of friends who live far away, though they are some of the most important people in my life. I just miss that we-talk-every-single-day, I-can-stop-by-unannounced-just-because-I’m-having-a-bad-day, first-person-I-tell-everything-to kind of friend. And sometimes it’s hard. And sometimes I feel sad that even though I have a lot of friends, almost all of them have a better friend, or friends, and sometimes I feel a little forgotten.
I’m not writing this so that my friends read it and feel bad, or feel like bad friends, because that isn’t true. My friends are amazing, funny, sweet, women that I LOVE and I know they love me, and they’ve all been there for me through millions of times when I’ve needed them, and provide me with so much support (and hopefully I do the same…) I’m mostly writing it because I have a hunch that a lot of people feel like this, but are scared to admit it, because it seems silly. And maybe it is, and maybe I should just be grateful. And mostly I am! But sometimes I just feel lonely. And I think that’s ok. And I think it’s ok to let each other feel these things. I had a brief conversation with one of my close friends about this, but then I said, “But I guess you wouldn’t understand, because you have so many friends.” And her jaw dropped and she said, “No! I feel EXACTLY the same way! But I feel dumb saying it!”
So, here’s hoping I’m not just making myself look like a loser, because goodness knows I obviously don’t need less friends. Also, I’ll be taking BFF applications for the next few weeks, so just go ahead and drop off essays and presents at my door. (Maybe more presents, less essays.)