Monthly Archives: February 2012

Daybook

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Outside my window…
It’s the best winter of my life. I hate, hate, hate cold weather. This week we’ve had temperatures in the 60’s and I am in love. I am a much nicer person when I’m warm.
I am thinking…
That I should really start running again. I’ve been like, twice in the past few weeks. Both times have been tough but have felt SO good afterwards that I really need to make it a priority.
 I am thankful for…
A happy week. And the generosity and kindness of my friends 🙂
 I am learning…
To use my time better. Hopefully I’ll keep learning that lesson.
 I am creating…
My home! Today during naptime I put together a shelf in my room and cleaned off the top of my entertainment center that has become the collection spot for allllll the junk we have. It feels so good to actually have accomplished something!
 I am going…
 to Craftcation!  Eeeeeeeee!!!!! (totally kept this answer EXACTLY the same as my friend Ashley because I, too, am freaking out about this. I am SO beyond thankful and blown away that I even have the opportunity to be a part of this adventure. There are no words.
 I am hearing…
Dogs barking, tv, Geoff pouring a soda…
 Around my house…
It’s generally covered with dog hair and toys. 3 dogs + 2 toddlers = constant havoc.
 One of my favorite things…
is Groundhog Day. It’s pretty much my favorite holiday, though I’m a bit ashamed of how much I neglected it this year. Like, I reaaaaalllly love it. When I went away to college, my mom sent me a Groundhog Day card every year. When I was a manager, my staff used to also get me cards (or hand draw them, which was even more amazing.) One of my dreams in life is to go see Phil live the morning he looks for his shadow. This morning, I was watching Barney instead, which is terribly sad. Next year, I will pay Phil all the respect he deserves. (And yes, I know I’m a weirdo…)
A few plans for my week…
Tomorrow is Geoff’s last day at the bank! This weekend we have some shopping to do and some things to get ready for Superbowl! Wings, pizza, and buffalo chicken dip…mmmm.
A picture…
 I LOVE this picture of my Piper girl. She is every bit as sweet as this picture makes her look. Most of the time.
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This is what dreams are made of…

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First off, did anyone else go through a Hilary Duff phase? I’m going to guess no, since I was way too old to actually be a fan of hers. But man, in high school (and in college. shhhh) it was the best.thing.ever. to pop in my CD, roll down my windows on a warm day and BLAST “This is What Dreams Are Made Of.” In case you weren’t aware, that song is from the Lizzie McGuire movie, which I saw in theaters. On opening day. My senior year of high school. Coolest girl you know? That’s right. I am.

Anyways, the reason this song comes to mind is that today was IT. Today was the day that was the culmination of all the things I dreamed of doing when I was a part-time working mama. Today, we had friends over and made pretty Valentine’s out of glitter and fingerpaint. We played with toys and ate too many cookies. We went to the park and we had an adorable photo shoot with friends. We went to Chick-Fil-A and Daddy got off in time to do the chicken dance with us and we all got free dinner. The kiddos went to bed without a peep, and we had a whole day with almost no whining, no meltdowns, and tons of happiness.

And I could write a whole blog post about it. I could tell you all the hilarious things that Sam said, or I could post all the pictures I took (except as you can see, there was a giant smudge on my lens, so of course I don’t have hardly any good pictures.) But mostly today I found myself thinking a lot–I was thinking of how insanely grateful I am for days like this, and how disappointed I am in myself that these days don’t happen more often. But I think that maybe I’m being a little too hard on myself.

I have found in the past few years that moms are mean. Moms are hard on each other, and too opinionated, and give too much unsolicited advice. It actually starts before the kids are even born–we fight about epidurals and we fight about cosleeping and we fight about formula and breastfeeding and we fight about scheduling and on demand feeding and we fight about cry-it-out and we fight about discipline and we fight about where our kids should go to school. The toughest of all the fights for me though, have been that of the battle between working mom versus stay-at-home mom. I feel like as a part time working mom, I sort of exist in both worlds now, which is hard in its own way. I don’t work enough to really be part of the working mom club–but I work too much to actually be part of the stay at home club. I had these ideas in my brain of what life would be like when I stayed home more. I’d be less tired, and less grumpy. I’d have more clean laundry, and a more organized house. I’d spend less time on my phone playing and have more energy to be on the floor with my kids. We’d do more crafts and watch less tv.

And in many ways, this is completely true. I am less tired. I’m WAY less grumpy. I still don’t like laundry, and I’m still not that organized. I still play WordsWithFriends a lot, today is one of the first days we’ve done crafts, and Elmo’s World still makes a regular appearance here. And in some ways, that disappoints me. I had so many pictures in my mind of all the things I could do when I worked less, and even though many of them are happening, many still aren’t. But I think what I’m learning is that who I am as a mom isn’t decided by the number of hours that I work. Who I am as a mom is decided by who I actually am, and who I am putting effort into becoming. And some things just don’t come easy for me. I could quit my job tomorrow, and my house still won’t be as beautiful as one of my dear friends who works 40+ hours per week. I could never go in for another day and we still might have hot dogs and macaroni and cheese from a box. Homemaking is work for me–some parts that I enjoy, but many that I don’t. And I think it will always be a struggle for me to maintain my home and my family.

One thing though, that I will say, is that the days I am home are still easier than the days I work. I am still thankful for each day that I am with my kids, and each moment that I am able to put into the work of caring for my home and family. I love this life that we’re living, and I wouldn’t trade the time I have at home with them for anything–I wouldn’t even trade them to have my house back.

So maybe my pictures are going to be blurry. And maybe there will be dust bunnies under my couch. And maybe when you come to visit me, I’ll have to close my eyes while you pee because there still isn’t a door on my bathroom, even though I’ve lived here for a month. But ya know what? I love my kids. We have fun. We giggle, and they think I’m pretty and funny and they like that I give them fruit snacks. And maybe that matters more than everything else.

Today was the day that I dreamed about. But so are all the other ones. Finding the beauty–even in the blurriness.