(Sorry for the terrible quality of that photo. Also, I’m sorry for the myspace-ness of that photo.)

So, about once a year I get a haircut. I get a haircut that I LOOOVE and makes me happy. I’m not one of those people who is scared to go short or try something new and dramatic. I’ve had curly hair, straight hair, bangs, bobs, and everything in between. I’ve had a lot of desperately miserable haircuts (the curse of curly hair–no one knows what to do with you!) and it’s gotten even harder to keep my hair looking nice ever since Piper came along and during the pregnancy stole my sanity AND my curly hair. It seems as though it’s never coming back. In it’s place, however, I am not left with cute or fun straight hair. I am left with a frumpy wave and frizz combination which leaves me never wondering what to do. So, after my annual haircuts, I get SUPER excited, and I am so happy to have my new chop. Inevitably though, I end up wanting to grow my hair out reaallly long. This is usually because I have seen someone with a long hairstyle that I get jealous of, and suddenly my grown-out hair takes on a new life in my daydreams. It’s going to have long, gorgeous waves, which I will sweep behind my shoulder and people will point and whisper, “Wow. That girl has gorgeous hair.” But, then something happens. My actual hair grows out, and I realize that all I have is more of the hair that drives me nuts. So it takes longer to blow dry, longer to straighten, still looks crazy, is heavy, and is always in a ponytail. So, blog readers, this is IT. This, today, January 26, is the day I will swear to never, ever want long hair again. I got it all cut off today, and I LOVE it.

(Right about now, I think my dad is wishing he’d followed someone else’s blog.)

There’s something so fun to me about a new haircut. It’s clean, and someone massaged your head, and styled it way better than you could ever dream of. All the yucky ends fall on the floor, and someone else comes and cleans up the mess. It’s really quite a theraputic adventure, one that I might try to make more than an annual thing. And there’s something very happy about shedding the frumpy mom feeling, and embracing the “I’m cute” part of mothering. That second part doesn’t seem to come around nearly as often, eh?

So, our family had a little milestone last month.

The day that Piper came home from the birth center, we got our first family portrait taken. It looked like this:

Yes--both Geoff and I were a lot fatter this time last year. And no, Sam isn't exactly looking at the camera. And yes, Piper's face is beet red because she screamed bloody murder the whole way home.

I was mildly bummed. I mean, I have photographer friends. I wanted one of those magical pictures that made Piper look not like an alien, and made Sam look like a Baby Gap model, and made me look like somehow I hadn’t just pushed a baby out of me. But alas, this is what we got. And  this was literally 7 hours after her birth, so I was in no position to ask for a redo. Not to worry–it’d be easier later.

Parents of more than one child–please feel free to insert a snicker here. It doesn’t get easier. Throughout the year we tried a few more times. Take this gem, for example:

Cute, eh? This was the best attempt of several...

Fourth of July, we all dressed up in our adorably festive clothes. This was going to be IT. The day the cutest of our family was forever cemented.

Ohh look how cute my kids are! No wait, you can't see them...

I started to just give up a little bit. And then last month, we had Sammy’s birthday party. Somewhere in the midst of the chaos, this beauty appeared. And so I bring you the first Ward Family Photo where everyone is looking!

WE WIN!!

My little guy is having a hard time right now–we’re in the process of figuring out if it’s medical or just a response to the move and all the changes, but either way, I’m losing my mind. I don’t actually know where my wit’s end is, but I know that I was there on several occasions. There’s just so much pressure involved in this parenting thing-I’m waiting to hear back the results from all his bloodwork and labs, which could be bad news (it probably isn’t, but it could be.) But then if it’s nothing, it means these are all discipline issues and all of a sudden I have to actually have my parenting act together.

In other news, I went running for the first time post-Memphis today. Geoff and I set off together (benefit of living with my folks–running together after the kids go to bed!) with Shadow (oh yeah–did  I mention we got a dog? Cuz we definitely did.) and I learned a lot. I learned than Geoff’s legs are a lot longer than mine, so even though he hasn’t been running in months, and has never done distance running, he kicked my butt. I learned that reflective gear is pretty important for running at night. And that if you don’t have that, sidewalks are even more important. And most of all, I learned not to ingest large quantities of hot dogs and homemade mac&cheese before runs, because otherwise you will throw them up in the bushes. Educational night, overall. Tonight marked the first night of training for my next 1/2 Marathon, which still blows my mind. It also will be Geoff’s first 1/2, and I’m SUPER excited to share this adventure with him. We’ll be traveling to Nashville again, and I can’t wait for Geoff to meet all my running buddies and get a little taste of the fun I had last time I went. I also may or may not be trying to convince him to let me go to Nashville alone in March for a girly getaway–because that’s not crazy, right? Yeah.

Anyways, Sbux calls early. You should come in and try our new roast–it’s actually quite delicious.

We’d just had Piper a few weeks prior, and her adjustment to life outside the womb had been, well…awful. For all of us. She cried and cried and cried and cried. Every time she cried, I cried. If we were both crying, Sam was probably crying. And everyone else in my life was trying to make ANY of us stop crying. The light at the end of the tunnel seemed so very far away. I remember asking Geoff if Piper could just go live with someone else, because clearly she wasn’t excited about the arrangement we had going on. I remember thinking that this might actually just be the first time God was wrong about something he gave me (obviously I was thinking SUPER clearly.)

I’m sitting here a year later–and Darius? You were right. This week, that baby turned one, and I laughed at those days and how I had no idea that my life was about to change.

It’s funny–when you’re pregnant with your first kid, EVERYONE tells you what’s going to change (they also tell you horrific labor and delivery story, ask questions about your cervix and boobs, and make comments about your weight. Pregnancy is a weird time.) They warn you about that moment when you first see the baby you carried. About how your heart just gets ripped out of you and you hold it. About how it will just crumble you to see your husband cradle that little one. There’s a this talk about how being a parent will change you. And it’s all true–every bit of it. So I was expecting it. I didn’t know what it would feel like, but I knew something was coming. I knew when he came, that he would change me and grow me and stretch me. I knew there would be new sacrifices and an entirely different life.

But no one warned me about the second one. I figured I had this whole mom thing down. Just gotta juggle two of them. The very first words I said to Piper, as soon as she was placed on my chest was, “you look different than I thought.” (You can drop my mother of the year award off anytime now.) I was SHOCKED that she looked different than Sam.

And now that I’ve had her for a year, I’ve learned something. It isn’t just being a parent that changes you. It is these little people–these specific little souls that have been specifically entrusted to my care. All the times I thought I didn’t understand what God was doing–he knew I needed Piper. I needed her sweet little spirit, her funny laugh, her stubbornness. He knew that Piper was going to change my world as much as Sam did, and that my heart was going to crumble all over again.

This week we celebrated a year of the little girl who has taught me to let go of my control of my life, and trust the one who holds it all. She is just the sweetest, bubbliest, girl ever (and a vacuum cleaner at meal times. She eats evverttyything) I cannot believe how blessed we are to have her in this family.

Happy Birthday, my little Piper Joy!

Generally speaking, my new years goal is to shed whatever number of pounds I’ve deemed over my goal weight. The exciting part of this year is that all my pants fit, I trained hard for a half marathon last year, and for the first January of my life, losing weight is NOT at the top (or even on!) my priority list. This makes way for way more fun resolutions…such as, blogging!!

I LOVE blogs. Love, love, love them. Love reading people’s blogs that I know, love reading stranger’s blogs, and I especially love the strangers whose blogs I’ve been reading become friends. (Or BFFs even! ) And whenever I read someone’s blog who keeps up with it regularly, I think to myself, “Wow! I wish I could do that. What a great way to preserve memories!” And then I list the reasons I could never do it–I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m disorganized, and I’m messy, and I work, and I have 2 little kids, and I’m trying to exercise, and I like to go to bed at 7pm. So I couldn’t possibly be good at blogging regularly. There’s just no way.

Well, move out of the way, excuses, cuz here comes 2012–the year of blogging! This year my goal is to make my computer use more productive and actually record the wonderful, difficult, hilarious, crazy, messy, silly, and beautiful parts of my life. And I’m not going at it alone–my friend Crystal had posted a blog recently about how she wished she was preserving her families memories as well, so we decided that we’re going to help each other out. Our goal is get posts up a few times a week (and we may or may not have set up a reward system as a small incentive.) I am SUPER excited about having a buddy along the way–and hoping that a bit of Crystal’s sweet spirit and wonderful parenting might rub off on me

So, if you’re reading this, I hope you’re ready for the ride! 2012 is going to be a year of stretching and growing and changing for our family, and I’m excited to document the journey. Join us!

So we began to really pursue this dream of mine. I make the majority of the money in our house, so me stepping back from work is a HUGE deal. We rented out 2 rooms in our house to help cover the mortgage, and began diligently saving so that we’d have a backup in case anything went wrong. Once our savings was at a comfortable level, we really got serious. I spoke to many people throughout this journey who said things like, “God will bless you for wanting to stay home, and he’ll provide” or, “Every month we think we won’t have enough money, and then He makes a way!” and, “Sometimes you just have to take a leap!” So, after one particularly horrible day at work which left me in tears, we lept. And we lept big–I told my boss I was going to step down from management and take a part time position–giving up my generous salary to work an hourly rate that is MUCH less. But we would be ok.

That same day, we began to pursue a job for my husband that looked VERY promising–and, da-da-da, made *exactly* the same amount of money we’d just given up. I was giddy, and began mentally writing the awesome blog post of how good God was to provide like this for our family. I mean, I gave up a salary and trusted his provision, and then he gave us back the exact.same.amount. The inspirational story practically writes itself. Awesome.

I had put in a month’s notice to my boss so she’d have time to figure out my replacement, etc. Over that month I grew more and more excited, and Geoff went on several interviews that went really well. All the pieces of our plan just fell into place perfectly. The Sunday night before my very last week of management, we were sitting downstairs watching TV, and one of our tenants came down. She told us she had found a new place to live, and would be moving out–ON FRIDAY. Yes, that was 5 days away. My heart sank, as I knew we needed this money to make ends meet. I wasn’t too terribly upset though, because Monday was the day we were getting the final answer about Geoff’s job interview. Feeling pretty confident he would get it, I tried to relax and not freak out.

Then Monday came. Waited, waited, waited for the call. It didn’t come. All day long I stressed and then finally, my phone rang and I saw Geoff’s number. I knew this was IT. I asnwered, and heard, “Well. It’s a no.” And that was that. It was a no. It was a “now you don’t have enough money to pay your mortgage and your bills.” It was a “better go look for new full time job again.” It was a “God didn’t do what I thought He should do.”

And I freaked. And I cried. And I was mad. Because, I mean, really, this was a PERFECT set-up for God to show off some of his goodness by answering my prayers exactly like I wanted him to. Bump, set…all I needed was that spike. Why wouldn’t he spike??

I remember feeling like this a few years ago. My friend David had a surgery and suffered horrible, unexpected complications. As he fought for his life over the next few weeks, we got a few “close call” notices that maybe he wasn’t going to make it. And I never, for a second, thought that he wouldn’t. I KNEW he was going to be fine, because that was going to be how God showed his goodness. He was going to show it through miraculous healing, because that’s the way it made sense. The doctors and nurses were going to be astonished; the praying people waiting for him to come home were going to see that God said yes. I just knew it. Until one day, I didn’t know it. I woke up and realized, he could really die. That was Thanksgiving day–and the next thing I knew, he was gone. And I was heartbroken, and confused. Because WHY wouldn’t God answer that prayer??

And I have felt that way so many times in my life. So many times I have known exactly how God should operate and exactly how he should provide for me. And you know what? A lot of times, he hasn’t. He hasn’t operated on my terms, he’s operated on his. And every.single.time, he’s been right. Sometimes, I don’t even know why–I have no idea why Dave wasn’t healed. I have no idea why I had a miscarriage. I have no idea why our life seems so crazy right now. But what I do know is this: He is still good. He is no less good than all the times he HAS answered my prayers exactly as I’ve hoped (which has also been often.) He’s not good because he does what I want or what I expect, he is good because he is God, and I am not. And this side of eternity, I may never understand death and disappointment, but I do understand redemption, and I know that these things will be redeemed.

This isn’t the post I expected to write about God’s provision. But it is about his provision nonetheless. A few months ago, I had it all–a house we owned; a high paying job with one of the most respected companies in the US; 2 beautiful children, free amazing childcare…the American dream. Today, I’m starting to pack up everything in my house so I can move all my belongings into my mom’s basement so we can afford to make ends meet.

But…I’m working part time. That was the dream to begin with. And I am thankful for every second I have with these kids–I am thankful that my attention is completely focused on my home, instead of being on my job. I am thankful for the stress I no longer have, for the energy I have now that I’m not gone so much. I am thankful that we have my mom who is so gracious and willing to share her home–and thankful that my kids will get the opportunity to spend so much time with their grandparents. I am thankful we get to downsize and figure out what’s really important and not be so caught up in STUFF.

And you know what? That sounds like a whole lot of goodness, and a whole lot of provision. And I think maybe everyone was right–if you trust and take a leap, God WILL provide. But he may not do it in a way you wanted, or expected. But he will do it in a way that sanctifies and teaches and he will do it in a way that leaves you thinking, “I didn’t know as much as I thought I did.” And that, to me, is the beauty of faith–that he is greater, and I am less. And regardless of where I am, there is beauty to be found–and I will strive to find it.

One of my girls that works for me got a new job, so she needed to put in her 2 weeks. She did so with a hilarious poem she wrote, and a box of chocolate & sea salt covered caramels. FOUR years in management, and that’s the first person that ever quit with candy. I wish everyone would do that. Hear that, world? If I’m ever a boss again, quit with candy. Always.

Somebody in this house started wearing shoes. Pink shoes. Tiny shoes. And the cuteness might just kill me.

 Piper’s starting to be on her feet more than crawling, so the time has come. She is getting so big! I feel like we knew exactly how Sam was growing and changing because since he was our only kid, our world kinda just revolved around him. Now that our house is busier, I feel like sometimes I just look up and go, “Whoa! Piper is a big girl!” It’s really fun to see her developing personality–girlfriend has a stink-face! She is too funny.

 Sammy has been super into planes lately. We took both the kids to Aviation Park the other evening to let them watch the planes take off and play. Sam LOVED it and every time a plane flew by, he’d yell “PAAAAANNNEEE!!! HHIIIII PPAAAANNNEEEE! GOOOOOOOOO!” It was hilarious! I’m loving as my kids get older that we get to have fun family days that they actually enjoy. I’ve been taking Sam on trips since he was born that I always imagined would be more fun than they are–only to get there and realize he’s too little or doesn’t care about whatever I took him to see. But finally he loves seeing new things and experiencing the world and I love showing it to him!

Allrighty, I’m outta here–I have to admit that knowing it’s my last week of full time is kind of bringing me the big girl version of senioritis! I’m desperately trying not to be totally checked-out yet, so I gotta try and be focused for a few more shifts….

–When Sam sees a balloon, he yells, “A-boon! A-boon!”

–Sam calls oatmeal “eeee-meeel”

–When Piper hears the CD player in the living start up, her entire world stops and she enters a musical trance until the music ends

–Sam is great at saying “please” but he mostly combines it with other words, such as “Uppies!” (up please!) “helppies!” (help please!) “nilkies!” (milk please!)

–Sam calls cheerioes “Chetchos”

–Piper growls often at her toys and she loves to blow raspberries on anything she can find. She loooooves The Wheels on the Bus more than any other song.

–Sam has made a little friend named Natalee. When he sees her he yells, “Naaaa-neee!!” and wants to hold her hand the entire time she is around.

These sweet little people are the highlight of my days and I’m thankful for their little personalities!

no reason for this pic. except, i mean come on. look at that face.

Soo I’ve been bad at the ol’ blog lately. Big changes coming to the Wards soon, and not ready to process or talk about them so I’ve been avoiding anything that might make me put together coherent sentences. Oh, and I’m definitely not pregnant, like I usually mean when I say things are changing. For the record, I haven’t been pregnant in 7 months, which is the longest I’ve gone since I got married without making a baby! You can send my prizes and gold stars to my home address.

–Piper is crawling and pulling up on everything, and starting to move along the furniture. At this age, Sam would still stay wherever you left him and couldn’t crawl at all, so sometimes I don’t quite know what to do with her. She also learned to make fart noises on the leather couch, which I find hilarious and took a video of. Also, my mom is going to be really mad I said “fart” on my blog, and is going to request that I change it to “pass gas.” Hi, Mommy!

–Sam is a little chatterbox these days. He’s taken to repeating the last word of basically any sentence he hears, and it learning people’s names. Some of my new favorites are mailman, I love you, ketchup, milk, & almost.

–Today at work, one of my employees went to take payment from a customer in the drive thru window. I’m not sure exactly how or when all the intentions got mixed up, but she thought he was reaching out for a handshake. It was his left hand, palm up, and she contorted her arm to shake/hold his hand. Most awkwardly hilarious situation ever. I nearly died. Definitely a “What Just Happened?” moment.

–Went on a shopping spree today with my hubby (sponsored by his mom) to buy him new work clothes in celebration of his nearly 50 pound weight loss! So proud of him, and so glad he is going to work tomorrow in pants that won’t be hanging off his butt.

–This month, Geoff and I cut out sugar and caffeine. We haven’t been 100% strict with sugar (we’ve eaten some bread, pasta, etc) but have been 100% off sweets, juice, soda….and every single thing at Starbucks. It’s been a long month for me, since I’m surrounded by it, but it’s good for me to curb the sugar addiction a little. I sort of miss my nightly m&ms, though skipping them may or may not be the reason I’m starting to fit back into pants again. I have to say though–I might just buy new pants, and keep the chocolate.

–Ran 4 miles this week–first time since before wedding that I have run so far, and I’m excited. Only have to add 9 more, and I’m good to go for December

Ok, I’m in tomorrow at 430a, so I’m out.